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Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Who are we?

There are days when I just want to throw in the towel and give up on most things. I don't think that makes me a failure, it just makes me realize that I am sick and tired of all the mess and the drama that I want to give up on. I recently found myself in a state of depression, and no I did not go to a doctor for him to tell me that I was depressed. And no, I did not want to take any anti-depression pills. So you may ask yourself well how do you know that you are depressed? Well I felt depressed. I diagnosed myself and my analysis was that I was depressed. I was not being ME. I just wasn't being myself. I lost laughter. I lost emotion. I felt heartless like I don't care for nothing and nobody cares for me. I felt like I was walking on a limb that was over water with a blindfold over my eyes. The love had subsided. I just wanted to sulk in my corner while I played a few games of Bubble Witch Saga on my ipad. I felt as if no one understood me and no one was trying to understand. I felt like a deep hole with no way to get around it. I felt as if the few friends that I do have, well they had their own thing going on, they had no time for me. I just wanted to talk to somebody and for them to listen. Just listen. I didn't want them to give me any advice as to how to come out of this funk. I just wanted someone to listen, and say, "I understand, I am here for you." But through all of that, I never had thoughts of suicide. NEVER! I told myself that life may be short and crazy at times, but nothing in life is that bad that would make me want to take my own life.

Through this bout of depression, though, no one knew but me. I came to work everyday dressed like I was balling from head to toe, I had my hair combed, I had my make-up on to a "T". I didn't walk around with ashy elbows or ankles. I didn't sit and ponder to people saying Whoa is Me! I didn't go and buy a whole dozen of Krispy Kreme donuts and eat the whole box. I spoke with confidence as I always do. I came to work and did my job and I went home and was right back in my funk. I didn't mistreat anybody and I wasn't all in peoples faces. The point I am trying to say is that we all go through things that people don't know about. That doesn't mean we are pretending. It just means that something is going on in our head and/or our heart that we choose not to disclose. We have to deal with ourselves on certain issues. Who are we? We are who we are. We don't know everything about everybody. We don't even know half the stuff we think we know. People can walk in here with a smile on their face. Does that mean they are happy? You will never look at me and say that I'm having a bad day because I don't need a pity party. I can have pity all by myself. But what each of us deal with is our own personal issue. And majority of the time, people just wanna be nosy so that they can go and tell what you just told them. We are all different with different personalities, different issues and different situations. Your problem may be LIKE mine, but it't not your problem. What worked for you may not work for me. So learn to embrace what ails you, deal with it and keep it moving. Find out who you are before you try to figure me out.