Who are we?

There are days when I just want to throw in the towel and give up on most things. I don't think that makes me a failure, it just makes me realize that I am sick and tired of all the mess and the drama that I want to give up on. I recently found myself in a state of depression, and no I did not go to a doctor for him to tell me that I was depressed. And no, I did not want to take any anti-depression pills. So you may ask yourself well how do you know that you are depressed? Well I felt depressed. I diagnosed myself and my analysis was that I was depressed. I was not being ME. I just wasn't being myself. I lost laughter. I lost emotion. I felt heartless like I don't care for nothing and nobody cares for me. I felt like I was walking on a limb that was over water with a blindfold over my eyes. The love had subsided. I just wanted to sulk in my corner while I played a few games of Bubble Witch Saga on my ipad. I felt as if no one understood me and no one was trying to understand. I felt like a deep hole with no way to get around it. I felt as if the few friends that I do have, well they had their own thing going on, they had no time for me. I just wanted to talk to somebody and for them to listen. Just listen. I didn't want them to give me any advice as to how to come out of this funk. I just wanted someone to listen, and say, "I understand, I am here for you." But through all of that, I never had thoughts of suicide. NEVER! I told myself that life may be short and crazy at times, but nothing in life is that bad that would make me want to take my own life.

Through this bout of depression, though, no one knew but me. I came to work everyday dressed like I was balling from head to toe, I had my hair combed, I had my make-up on to a "T". I didn't walk around with ashy elbows or ankles. I didn't sit and ponder to people saying Whoa is Me! I didn't go and buy a whole dozen of Krispy Kreme donuts and eat the whole box. I spoke with confidence as I always do. I came to work and did my job and I went home and was right back in my funk. I didn't mistreat anybody and I wasn't all in peoples faces. The point I am trying to say is that we all go through things that people don't know about. That doesn't mean we are pretending. It just means that something is going on in our head and/or our heart that we choose not to disclose. We have to deal with ourselves on certain issues. Who are we? We are who we are. We don't know everything about everybody. We don't even know half the stuff we think we know. People can walk in here with a smile on their face. Does that mean they are happy? You will never look at me and say that I'm having a bad day because I don't need a pity party. I can have pity all by myself. But what each of us deal with is our own personal issue. And majority of the time, people just wanna be nosy so that they can go and tell what you just told them. We are all different with different personalities, different issues and different situations. Your problem may be LIKE mine, but it't not your problem. What worked for you may not work for me. So learn to embrace what ails you, deal with it and keep it moving. Find out who you are before you try to figure me out.

I think I still got it

My hubby and I were invited to a couples gathering at our neighbor's house. Since it was just for couples, at least that is what they told us, I didn't expect anyone there to be without their spouse or partner. When we got the verbal invitation to come over, our neighbor's specifically told the hubby not to come unless he bring his wife. So hubby asked if I wanted to go and since I really didn't have anything else to do except watch Lifetime movies, I said that I would go. I almost said that I didn't want to go, which would have meant that hubby couldn't go, and besides we needed a night out, even if it was next door. Hubby said that he was just gonna put on some old pants and this wrinkled shirt and just pop in over there for about an hour, but I told him I was not dressing like a bum and even though it was just next door, I treated it like an evening out on the town with makeup and jewelry, which prompted hubby to dress nicer as well.

So we get there and mingle with all the different couples that are there, some are up dancing and drinking and talking loud, and I found me a spot on the couch in the other room with the more quieter group as hubby mingled with the man of the house. As other people began to come in after us, there was this empty spot on the couch next to me. This man comes in that I did not know. There were others who knew him and asked him where was his wife. He said that the wife's sister had come in and instead of them coming to the party and then leaving that he decided to just come alone. So this guy comes in the quiet part of the house where I and a few other couples are and asked me if this empty spot next to me was taken. I told him no. He asked if he could sit there. I didn't have any objections, it was an empty spot, and besides, this ain't my house. I am just a guest.

He extended his hand for a shake and introduced himself and I told him my name. And I plainly said (pointing in the kitchen) that is my husband right there. But he must not have heard that, even though it was said as plain as day. So he is sitting there, and not attractive either...and he starts talking about he needs a drink. He asked if he could get me anything and I politely said no thanks. So this guy comes back and starts talking about that if he gets drunk (pointing at the couch that we are sitting on) that he and Barbara (my name) is gonna just take the couch over and fall asleep. I was drinking some sprite and almost got choked. I looked over to this woman who thought it was hilarious and even though I don't know her, I leaned over and said, "Does he not know I'm married." She just said she knew him and that he was having fun, so I actually rolled with the fun too. I didn't comment on his lil joke, but I kinda felt uneasy, even if he was having fun.

So the hostess and her husband came in the room where we were and asked if everybody was ok, and the guy that I am sitting next to said that he would be even greater if Barbara came home with him. Whoa!!! Now the joking has gone too far. Just as I was about to say to him, you know I'm married and my husband is in the kitchen, the hostess said, "I don't think her husband would like you saying stuff like that." He said to me, "You're married?" I told him I pointed out my husband when he came in the door and he said that he didn't hear me cause he was too focused on my beauty. The guy apologized and said that he didn't mean no harm. Even though it was a great compliment, he wouldn't be my type even if I wasn't married. At least I know that at 43, I still somewhat got it.

Rough at Sea

I think I am in peri-menopause or pre-menopause or whatever it is called. I just know that it has something to do with menopause. Around March 2011, I had started missing cycles and they would come on like every other month until August 2012. I was never one to have a heavy cycle, it would last maybe 2 or 3 days on end, and it was very light that I almost forgot that I had one when it came on. Well in August of 2012, I didn't see anything and I still didn't see anything until January 2013. Five months without a cycle...Yoohoo! That felt great. The thing is that I never knew when and if it would come on. It just popped up one day without notice in January 2013. The years prior to that, I could pinpoint exactly when and what day I was suppose to have a cycle. And like it had done in the past, it only stayed on those 2 or 3 days in January.

Well, can somebody tell me why I just got a cycle in October of this year! Nine months of no cycle. Let me tell you what happened. I had gone home from work that Friday, and after using the toilet, I saw some pinkish stuff on my tissue. I thought at first I may have wiped too hard, but I looked at it again and said to myself, "Well I guess a cycle is about to come on." Well I didn't see anything else after that. So stuff like that makes you wonder, "What the heck!" Well Saturday passed and there was nothing. Hmmm, I thought to myself that was strange, but I just went on with my day. Well lo and behold, Sunday came and since I have never had a cramp in my life, that day was not unusal because still no cramps, I just felt like water was rumbling all through my stomach. It sounds weird but it was like I could feel a gush of water.

I got up and went on to church and when we all stood up, I felt like I was wet all in my underwear. When it was time for us to fellowship and shake hands, I excused myself out to the restroom to see if I had any damage going on down there, but there was nothing. Nice clean underwear still in tact. When church was over, and instead of staying for Sunday School like we normally do, my daughter and I went to Whataburger and just the short drive to get there, I declare I could feel wetness. While she ordered, I went to the ladies room and yall there was blood everywhere. It hadn't reached my pants and I was surely thankful for that. I always carry something in my purse just in case, because I heard that if you haven't had a cycle in a whole year, then you are most likely in full menopause.

Anyway, after we got our food, my daughter said she needed to stop somewhere. I told her I would bring her back later and that I needed to get home. After I got home and took a bath and got some clean clothes on, I just still felt all icky. I flowed like it was the end of the world. I have never had a heavy flow in my life. It was like I had to change my tampon like every 2 hours (not that you wanted to know all that), so I had to put on a pad and a tampon so the overflow leakage would not get in my underwear. Each time I had to bathe or wash off, because the blood was in excess of what I am used to. So I figured well in 2 days, this will be gone. Oh I had another think coming. No, this time it did not go off in 2 days like I was used to. It stayed on up until this morning. I have never used a whole box of O.B. Tampons in a week, my box usually lasts for at least 3 cycles (3 months). I honestly don't know how women do it, they go for like 7 days. After I kept flowing and flowing, I really thought something was wrong with me. So ain't no telling when the next one will come. It might be 3 months, might be another 9 months or I might get up to that year. But I do know that it was a rough time at sea. I don't want that no more.

The not-so-other woman

I don't know if it's me but here is an opinion of mines that will just blow your socks off coming from me. Has anybody ever felt like they were the other woman, even when you know you are not. Or can you relate to yourself as being the one woman in your man's life, but the other woman is really not the other woman? I will break it down for you. Just follow along if you will.

See, my hubby is a deacon in the church; but we don't go around saying that because in reality, we are just normal simple people, my hubby and I. I just had to throw that out there so nobody will get lost in this post. My hubby thinks that part of his job as a deacon is to sit and listen to people's problems from the church. I really didn't have a problem with folks calling the house to throw their problems on my hubby like he got some Heaven or Hell to put these people in. He would listen and most of the time, they just wanted someone to give them some inspirational advice. Like I said, I didn't have a problem UNTIL this one woman called, and then called, and then kept calling and then kept on calling. I told hubby that I know that nobody has that many problems for her to keep calling my house. If she has that many problems, stop calling and get on your knees and pray.

In a crazy kind of way, I really hope that she is reading my blog and take a freaking hint. She is now calling when I am not there, when I am there, on the weekend, late at night....what in the world does she have to keep calling my hubby for. So, I asked hubby why does this one woman keep calling....and it's not just once every other day, she is now calling like 5 and 6 times a day. I even asked him if they were seeing each other. Of course he said they were not and that he is just being "friendly" to her and that she needs someone to talk to. So I said to hubby that maybe she should find herself a woman friend or talk to her own husband, because now I feel totally disrespected because whenever hubby and I are in the middle of our own conversation, the phone rings and it's HER, he has the audacity to tell me that he will finish this up with me and him later and then takes the call. I'm like what the what!! I told hubby I will not be number 2 in his world and that he can tell her that he will call her back later.

So I sort of brought the ugly side of me out and told hubby that this woman is totally disrespecting me by calling at 9 and 10 and night; and after I've seen her number on caller ID after I come home from work as well. I told him that he is allowing her phone calls to come and he is disrespecting me as well by taking the phone calls. I even went so far to tell hubby to tell this woman, who also goes to our church, to stop calling my house or I will. Hubby and I sat down and he kept reassuring me that nothing is going on with them, and that she just wants to talk. Well I am sorry for seeming like I am crazy and NO I AM NOT JEALOUS, but I just think it is odd that a married woman is calling a married man and just talking all throughout the day just to be talking. I told hubby that he better handle it, cause if I have to go to her myself - oh yeah I will do that. And I will even go as far as telling the woman's husband to tell your wife to stop calling my husband. Did I just go there? Yeah I did and I will.

On enjoying life

On this past weekend, there was an event called Sister 2 Sister in Mobile, AL. I don't live far from Mobile, maybe 45 minutes, so me and daughter had planned to go and have a girls day out. I asked my oldest sister, Cathy, if she didn't mind driving from MS to meet us there. From MS, it was maybe a 30 minute drive. So Cathy agreed that she would love to come and we all hang out. We asked one more person to come from MS as well and she had agreed that she would come and that Cathy could pick her up and they ride togther. Cathy and I had agreed that we just find one mutual spot and meet before the event so that we all could just get in one vehicle and wouldn't have to pay parking but for one car. Well when Cathy pulls up to get in my truck, I see that she is alone and no one else is in the car with her. She gets in my truck and we proceed to head to this FREE event just me, my sister and my daughter.

Cathy already sees the look on my face when she pulls up and there is no one else in the car but her, so she says to me that she know what that look is and she is about to tell me why the other female did not come with her. She says that on Friday, this person's mother-in-law went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor told the mother-in-law that she is fighting a battle and to get her affairs in order. The mother-in-law already knew she had cancer, but seems like the cancer has gotten worse. Well the other female, I'll call her Mahalia, tells Cathy that she can't go to this event with us because her husband is sad of the news regarding his mother and that she, Mahalia, is going to stay there with him because he is sad. Ok, stop the press. Let's back this train up just a little. So the event was Saturday, and the news came on Friday, so you around the house being sad of news that you heard on Friday and the mother-in-law is still living, so you gonna be sad on Saturday and the mother-in-law is still living....where you can't leave your house for a few hours to come and enjoy yourself all because you heard some sad news! I don't mean to sound heartless if that is the way you are reading this, because I am not. My thing is this, they gonna sit around sad every day because you heard your mother/mother-in-law is fighting a losing battle. So what about when Tuesday come, and then Wednesday, and then the rest of the days that follow in behind that. She is still living yes, but that doesn't stop you from enjoying life even if today or tomorrow was the last day on earth. I can see if a funeral was that day and I asked you to come to an event to hang with us, then that would be a reason to say no you can't make it.

Maybe I am just the only one who thinks like this. I know tomorrow is not promised, so that is why you still have to get out and live and enjoy your life. Being sad for some sad news does not change anything. You haven't truly lived until you enjoy life. My sister, my daughter and I really had a good time at the event, we went and ate lunch and just enjoyed laughter and talking. When we were done, I took my sister back to her car and I went towards I-10E and she went towards I-10W and we went back in our separate ways. My daugther said to me on our way back home that she enjoyed our mini girls day and that we should really do it again. I plan to.....real soon.

Act like you care

The entire family was on our way home from a family reunion in Philadelphia, MS back to Florida. Hubby mentioned to me that we should go a different way on our way back. I said that we should stick to the way we knew, but after he kept asking like a little kid, I went on and agreed to it. Since I had never been this way, hubby got all macho saying that he knew where he was going and that he had been that way before some time way before we got married. Ever so often I would say to hubby that he needed to break his speed down, and at times he just acted like he didn't hear me, whereas other times, he would exclaim that he got this.

So we get in Washington County, AL and hubby is going around this curve like he owns the road, when, on the other side of the road driving in the opposite direction, was a highway patrol or a state trooper. Hubby sees the cop turn around at the top of the hill and says, "Uh-oh, I think he is coming for me." Hubby reduces his speed and then pulls over. Mr. Cop tells hubby that he (the cop) clocked hubby at 76 miles per hour in a 55 mph zone, and then issues hubby a ticket.  I was not happy because I kept telling to slow down, and he had to get a ticket to slow down.

After we got home, I looked online to see how much the ticket cost....a freaking 190 dollars! I asked hubby if he just has 190 dollars laying around and could just easily give it away so freely like a speeding ticket. He asked me when was I going to let it go.....it wasn't even a whole week yet.....and I told him that I wasn't going to let it go no time soon, because this is money coming out of our pockets to pay for an unnecessary speeding ticket that I tried to warn him about. And he acted like he didn't even care, he didn't say he was sorry, he didn't ask what could he do to make it up to me, he didn't ask what he could do extra...NOTHING, and I guess that was my pissed-off moment. I'll holla at you all later.

Responsibility

Ask yourself whose job is it to be responsible if your teenager has sex. Is it the parent's responsibility to protect the child or is it the child's responsibility to protect themselves? I'll give my point of view. In my opinion, it is my responsibility to tell my child about sex and what is out there, such as diseases when having unprotected sex and the possibility of pregnancy. It is my responsiblity as a parent to tell my child that waiting to have sex until you are married is much better than having random sex with random people. It does not matter if we had sex prior to being married or waited, the thing is that we teach our children the right way to do. I do not think it is my responsibility as a parent to go and put my child on birth control. It is like a double standard to me. It's like I'm saying don't have sex, but if you do, well here are some birth control pills. That's the same thing as saying to go and have as much sex as you want. Oh I did say that this was my point of view, right? Just checking.

I know this person who went and put their daughter on birth control, but then told the daughter that she better not go and have sex either. Well what was the point of putting her on birth  control? We all know that it takes two to tango and if it ain't two doing the tango, then you are just basically dancing by yourself. Children have to take some type of responsibility for themselves. If they think they are grown enough or adult enough to be making a conscious decision about sex, then they should make a conscious decision to go and protect themselves. This goes for both girls and boys. The two of them have to decide what could happen if we did this, not me deciding for them. The two of them have to decide who is going to take care of a baby if one is produced out of unprotective sex. Do not ask me to take care of no babies, because if you hadn't have laid down there like I said, then you wouldn't have to worry about that, and besides, I will be gone on a cruise or something. I have already raised my children.

If they can't be adult enough or grown enough to be responsible, then they have to face the consequences of what could happen. If they can't be responsible, then they don't need to be having sex in the first place. I am not going to supply no birth control nor condoms to either one of my children, as if I am condoning it and saying it is ok just because everyone else is doing it and for the parents who do, are you going to have to remind them to take a pill every morning or remind them to put their condom in their wallet? Seriously! I don't think so.